Walking Dead Should Have Frustration in the Title of Every Episode

zombieI’m a late arriving fan of “The Walking Dead”. I was four seasons late getting on board the “Breaking Bad” train and the wagon still hasn’t arrived for me to join the hordes of followers who still go rabid over “The Wire”.

I like to dive into a series and watch them in marathon sittings of several hours each after they’ve been released on Netflix or Amazon.

I’ve never been much for tolerating cliffhangers. I like to get the anticlimactic moment of finding out we’ll never know who shot J.R. because it was all a dream over and done with in the time it takes the to click “Watch next episode” on the Google TV remote.

But WD is driving me insane. You’d think that two or three months into a zombie apocalypse the characters would start figuring out that t-shirts and jeans are not effective armor against zombies. And that eventually all the ammunition is going to run out and it’s time to start turning car leaf springs into swords and spears. Especially when every report from the muzzle of a firearm is known to draw in hordes of hungry unwrapped mummies (let’s face it, is there really any difference between a zombie and a naked mummy?).

But the writers for WD are banking heavily on our ability to suspend disbelief. We’re expected to assume that if we were all standing outside a tottering old barn with a hundred or so flesh eating zombies trapped inside it would be perfectly reasonable to have a loud, obnoxious argument so they could hear their food calling and get real riled up.

Do they seriously think we’d believe that half the population would die sitting inside their cars with their hands still on the steering wheels as if they’d be flash frozen instead of going down with a fever that should have turned them into revived Walkers. There’s no explanation for those corpses sitting there as if they’d been turned to pillars of salt.

So here’s some advice for next season, writers of “The Walking Dead”. Zombies are the characters in your TV show, not your audience.

Have the zombie children get discovered and killed off within two episodes. Kids don’t last in the woods longer than that even when there aren’t ravenous undead galavanting about the countryside.

Have that idiot deputy come to his senses and break into a motorcycle shop for some CE racing leathers and body armor. A few motorcycle helmets and leather gloves would be helpful too for defending against ghouls who have nothing but teeth and fingernails for weapons.

And for Stephen King’s sake, have the characters find something more substantial to have screaming matches about other than who gets to carry a pea shooter revolver that nobody can dare use because of the noise anyway.

By the way, thanks for killing off the groups’ gun control nut and Shane. They were both wearing pretty thin on me.

All that said, this is the most engaging zombie apocalypse series ever. Just remember that the audience members have pre-apocalypse brains and try to keep it just a little more real.

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