Breaking news today:
A bill amending the Affordable Care Act, commonly known as “ObamaCare”, has been submitted to the United States Senate by the Obama administration.
The bill, once signed into law, will require employers to provide pet insurance for dogs, cats, and some other animals residing in employees’ homes. According to sources close to the administration, White House interns were conscripted to draft the bill at the direction of POTUS, who stated that “Pets in America are family members, and deserve the same quality of affordable care as their human owners.”
The initial draft included farm animals, but that language was removed in anticipation of arguments that farm animals are not family members. Vigorous debate on whether Vietnamese pot-belly pigs can be exempt from the farm animal ban is expected.
Among the furry critters specifically included in the proposed ObamaCare coverage are:
Domestic Dogs – excluding exotic recently wild breeds such as dingos, African hunting dogs, wolves, coyotes, foxes, and wolf hybrids.
Purebred Cats only – all felines covered for an initial DNA test to determine whether they are purebred (at least four generations within a registered breed).
Parrots and parrot sub-species.
Weasels, rats, hamsters, and gerbils – excluding mice and specific invasive species of rats like Portugal rats and Norway rats.
Tarantula spiders of any variety, but no other arachnids.
Specific exclusions listed in the bill are:
Insects of any kind
Any bird, mammal, or other creature which has a natural feather, fur, or skin color that is red.
The motivation for including pets under the Affordable Healthcare Act reportedly came from an incident where the Obama family’s Portuguese Water Dog, Bo, swallowed two golf balls and required surgery that had to be paid out of the President’s personal income.
Whether the bill will pass or even go to committee is yet to be seen.
The initial reaction from the Republican leadership was: “It just goes to show you that Obama-care is the sort of medical insurance you get when the government wants to treat you like an animal.”
Happy April 1.
This article is based on imaginary sources and written by staff reporter Mit Reizarf.