Motorcyclist or Biker

“So do you ride in a gang?”
“Are you in the Hell’s Angels?”
“Do you have a clubhouse?”

Those are the questions I get asked from new acquaintances most often these days. I reckon because I have long hair and ride a motorcycle, some folks assume I might be in a “motorcycle club”. Today I got an email from someone who stumbled across this blog asking me if I’m in an “outlaw motorcycle gang”.

Number one: If I was, I wouldn’t tell a stranger via email.

Number two: I ain’t. The values and morals don’t match up on enough levels (not saying they’re necessarily wrong, they just don’t match).

And nobody but God and Family gets my undying loyalty. Another reason I guess I got out of law enforcement.

Not even church.

I remember when I was a cop, there was always one person in every new crowd I became acquainted with who would ask, “have you ever shot anyone?”

The answer (with the qualification that my former membership in the “Blue Knights” is about as far from being in a one-percent-er club as one can get) is: No. To all the above.

I’m a long-haired guy who rides a motorcycle.

Sometimes I drive a Dodge station wagon with a Hemi V8 under the hood. For some reason that doesn’t prompt people to ask me if I’m a Nascar pit crew member.

I might be a biker. Depends on your definition of “biker”. If riding every chance I get when the pavement is dry makes me one. But when it rains I drive my car, and I imagine that disqualifies me from being a “biker” in the eyes of a guy who rides even in the rain. I don’t aspire to be a “biker”, and I don’t get all bent out of shape if someone refers to me as a “biker”. Nobody knows what the criteria for being a “biker” is, although I’m sure the government is spending lots of our money trying to find out, along with studying the mating habits of the Guatemalan Insanity Grub.

But what I am for sure is a father, husband, grandpa, brother, and son.

So in some folks’ opinion I may look like a Son of Anarchy from TV minus the tattoos when I’m riding down the road with my hair flapping in the wind, but I’m just a regular blue-collar joe trying to survive in a white-collar world.

I stay away from one-percent-ers because I don’t want to tangle with guys who think I owe them respect when I don’t, and I don’t go looking for trouble.

If you read this post and you happen to be a one-percent-er don’t take it personal. You did what your culture demands to earn your patch, and I never asked you to do it. You don’t get my respect, but you don’t get any disrespect from me unless you give me reason to. I’m not interested in picking a fight with you and your bros.

Live and let live, I say, but just to be clear, I’m not a “lone wolf”; I’m not in a motorcycle group, club, motorcycle gang, or motorcycle knitting circle. I own a motorcycle and I like to ride it. I like to read Cycle World, Ride Texas, and Thunder Roads Texas magazines.

If that makes me a “biker” in your eyes than feel free to refer to me as a “biker”. If that isn’t enough to meet your qualifications for the title then call me a motorcyclist. “Biker” is neither a title of honor or an insult to me. Call me a poser if you want. I’m not claiming to be anything other than a guy who loves riding motorcycles, talking about motorcycles, reading about motorcycles, and writing about motorcycles.

I’m perfectly happy with folks referring to me as Tim.

You can decide whether I’m not in a “club” because I’m not man enough or because I’m too much of a man to be in one. The important thing is that I’m not in a club and I’m in the “other 99%”.

Period.

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Nerd to Babe Magnet by the Magic of Motorcycles

Although they love the freedom and sense of flying that they feel when they’re riding, there’s a corner in every male motorcyclist’s brain that says, “Riding a motorcycle makes you more attractive.”

Don’t misunderstand: I’m not on the market, Robin’s the only girl for me. That part of my brain says she’s thinking: “There goes one hot pappa and he’s all mine…” as she watches me ride off to work every morning. She probably thinks about how sexy my butt looks, too.

While most women may outwardly snort at a middle aged man buying a motorcycle and make comments about mid-life crisis and pitiful attempts to recapture boyhood, my wife gave me the story straight. She told me that when she sees me cruising up on my mammoth muscle bike I instantly appear twice as hot to her.

That means on a hotness scale of one to ten my motorcycle transforms me into a solid two.

If I hide her glasses and get a couple of tequila shots down her neck I bet could cross the “three” line.

Okay, I made all that up; I’m a solid two without the motorcycle.

What were Robin’s actual words after she followed me home from EuroSport Cycle on my bike? Well, the conversation went like this:

ME: [Entering living room, helmet under arm and still wearing the black leather gloves and jacket even though I'd had plenty of time to take them off (but I look so cool in them!)] “So how’d I look boynin’ up thuh slab on mah new machine?”

ROBIN:[Picking up the remote and scrolling to the 'American Idol' recording from last night] “You looked real cute riding your new motorcycle, Honey. What’s a ‘slab’ and why are you talking like that?”

ME: [Long pause, waiting a bit for the sting to subside] “Okay, I wasn’t exactly going for ‘cute’ when I insisted on buying the largest bike on the market. I did tell you that’s a 2300cc engine between those two wheels, right?”

ROBIN: “Oh, honey, you know what I mean by ‘cute’. But you change lanes kinda funny on it. Are you sure you’re supposed to do it that quickly?”

ME: “I was just putting her through the paces…getting a feel for it…wait, I’m not done talking about your impression. Don’t you have any other words to describe the situation besides ‘cute’?

ROBIN: “Oh sure, Sweetie, your bike is gorgeous and you looked really happy on it. And you were cute on top of all that”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had just invested $15,000 in high anticipation that I would be described as ‘tough’, ‘manly’, ‘brave’, ‘heroic’, ‘impressive’, ‘burly’, ‘daring’, ‘mysterious’, ‘bad-ass’…all kinds of words that I would use if I were a woman and saw me riding that big bruiser down the road.

A fifteen grand British hot rod motorcycle just had to bump me way up one the wife’s hotness scale.

I’d envisioned all the things that came to mind every time you see one of those Triumph commercials or a biker movie with a motorcycle cruising along, the rider wearing those dark sunglasses, a half-helmet if any at all, long hair and beard flowing in the wind, legs splayed on pegs jutting out from crash bars like he’s about to kick the door off any car that dares get too close; the image of living wild and running free.

Why couldn’t she see the transformation into that sort of guy that happened when I was rollin’ on two wheels? Should I buy a phone booth to change into my riding gear in? Just as surely as Nicholas Cage became “Ghost Rider” when he mounted his bike, I became “Handsome Bad-Ass Biker Dude” when I mounted mine. This I believed every time I got within that sacred owner-only proximity zone around my bike.

We hadn’t discussed it; I just assumed she would see the obvious transformation. After all, she had recently gotten her new eyeglasses.

She had to be messing with my mind.  Then again, perhaps something was still missing.

I knew I had to take the final step to ensure she would never again see me as ‘cute’. I had to truly commit to becoming ‘Biker Dude’ whether I was near my bike or not. On the road, or sitting on the couch, I had to walk the walk and live the life. I was dead serious and 100% all-in.

As I left her to watch ‘American Idol’ I made a silent vow to grow out my hair and beard and get a tattoo.

A temporary tattoo, of course.

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No More Excuses

This morning I had a meeting in downtown Dallas, and I had to provide limo service (Dodge Magnum RT style) to a couple of client execs. So I shined up the station wagon last night and poor BB stayed in the stable as I piloted the cage to the office.

Around noon, after the meeting and an early lunch, I rolled into the driveway at the house. As I walked in the front door Robin looked up and said, “Hey, what are you doing home so early?”

“Just came home to get the motorcycle,” I replied.

“Oh. Okay. Well, see you this evening.”

“Okay, Love you. Bye.” I said as I was exiting the back into the garage where my beloved BB waited.

“Love you, too, bye.” She replied.

A month or so ago Robin would have rolled her eyes and said, “That’s silly, driving all the way home just to ride the bike back to work.”BB and her American friends

But now she either understands or has just resigned herself to the fact that I consider an opportunity to ride no different than a compulsion and necessity to ride. I don’t invent excuses to ride. The absence of a serious obstacle in space and time to riding is reason enough to do whatever it takes to ride.

Isn’t that really the difference between a biker and a weekend warrior?

At the moment BB is happily standing alongside her American daycare friends (two Harley-Davidsons) in the parking garage waiting for the whistle to blow so we can return to the pavement.


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Nearly The Perfect Joke

My brother Mike sent this today…and it’s nearly the perfect joke since it includes subjects like the left wing media, motorcycling, military service, and the biker attitude of “taking care of business”. The only thing missing is something about the second amendment! So, without further adieu (or credit to the unknown author):

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,  and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”


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